My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
You Might Also Like
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady