If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
You Might Also Like
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
multitasking lunch
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*updates tinder bio*
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩