People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
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if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
No point crayon over spilled milk.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?