People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
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Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Previously On Persistence 😎
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.