People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
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Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
saving face 👀
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.