@simoncholland: People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
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@Guinz: You were all Pluto's not even a planet and now you're watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
@AbrasiveGhost: [Meeting] CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we- BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
@JasonLastname: Law enforcement's cracking down on texting while driving, but there's no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
@david8hughes: [shipwreck diary] Day 3: dude next to me can hold his breath for 3 days. Going on 4. Very impressive.