@Freudianscript: People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing.
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@chelliet22: I start conversations with my children by saying "Listen to me," to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
@AGreaterMonster: Someone stole my car from the Target parking lot, but fortunately they returned it at 11:00 pm when it was the only car left in the lot.
@david8hughes: "Was he better than me?" "Joe, don't." "I have a right to know!" "No, he wasn't better than you." [god appears] "Mary, what the hell?"
@AsgardianRose: Being an adult means I'm in charge of my own bedtime, and I've realized I'm not equipped to handle that responsibility.