I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Stop sending me this shit.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
scrabbled eggs
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!