@Freudianscript: People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing.
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@NickSwardson: Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It's basically everywhere now.
@XplodingUnicorn: I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
@MoistPork: Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let's make beautiful, douchey babies together.
@OfficeLinebcker: "If I eat my arm, I can't technically gain any weight" - my thought process after only 5 days of dieting. I'm doomed.