*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
You Might Also Like
LOOOOOOL
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Jail
Confused owl: What?!
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.