I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
You Might Also Like
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
the best thing i’ve ever made
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder