@Crunk_Jews: People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don't understand the meaning of the word vacation.
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@TheDailySchmuck: Accidentally pressed the soap dispenser instead of the toothpaste. Mouth feels clean but I don't think I'll be able to curse today. Shucks.
@AimeeHelene1: Warning to friends: If you piss me off I'll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
@panmidwest: Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
@rolldiggity: CASHIER: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" ME: "Oh, yes..." [places "How To Murder A Cashier" book on counter]