@Crunk_Jews: People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don't understand the meaning of the word vacation.
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@J_Illunninati: The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
@babyitsmb: I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
@C00LpenNAME: [at Home Depot] Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye Clerk: haha, you kill somebody? Me: our dog died Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry... Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody