People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
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Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
oh my gosh!!
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND