People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
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Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
(yawn)
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it