People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
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Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
This is why I hate group projects
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Don’t touch that.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in