People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
You Might Also Like
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
peeping toms
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
🤣😂🤣
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?