Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
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Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.