People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?