@foodandwhining: People with eyebrow, nose, and lip piercings always look like they landed face-first into a tackle box.
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@NewDadNotes: Me: [every single day for 18 months] da da...say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa...daaaa da Daughter: Me: shit Daughter: shit
@IamEnidColeslaw: welcome to Olive Garden! when you're here, you're family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can't you be more like your sister
@STOTLE: If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
@iwearaonesie: a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with 'her'