I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
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The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
But that’s none of my business
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.