People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.