@capnmcfword: People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I'm gonna stop coming to work now.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@dafloydsta: ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog. BOSS: What's updog? ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
@Brampersandon_: ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u'd never ask
@NewDadNotes: God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water. Snake: OMG, really? God: pretty cool right! Snake: you didn’t have to do all this! God: it was nothing Snake: so how fast can I run? God: Snake: I bet I can run really fast! God: Snake: so fast on my legs!