@capnmcfword: People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I'm gonna stop coming to work now.
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@dorsalstream: HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet. ME: Haha no. Those bodies won't show their skeletons for months.
@weinerdog4life: Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
@_mindflakes: We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: "stop calling here"