People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
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Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
*Seductively hides in the woods
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.