@meladoodle: this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

@Sarcasticsapien: Someone angrily told me "You're so sarcastic!" That would be like me angrily telling a woman "You're so beautiful!"

@joeljeffrey: When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

@kiel_phillips: ME: Dave's coming over for tea WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I'm having a secret affair with? DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don't eat peas

@maisonwithapen: HIM: isn't wintertime just so romantic ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely