People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
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More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
No laws when master is gone
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*