Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
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My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I’m going to need a moment here.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
ACED my prostate exam!
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.