Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
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Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps