Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
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Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”