*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
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My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*