perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
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[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”