Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
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On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk