Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I don’t get marriage
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.