My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
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Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
yeah not falling for this one
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
The Struggle
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle