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@icrushedmyhalo: Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
@TheBeerdedOne: Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5.
You play your game...I'll play mine
@davidkenny100: Work meeting
Boss: it's come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!
Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me
@rickolantern: Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
@ScarletStoner: I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Me: Aren't you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.