Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
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Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
why isn’t thunder called soundning
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.