Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
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“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/