*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
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HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
One venti cheeseburger please.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah