PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
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Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.