Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
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Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich