Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
You Might Also Like
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
bro what is going on at twitter
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you