[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
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Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
A wise man once said nothing.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Awesome parenting 😂
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.