@nonprophetess: Personal question. #JustSaying
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@LindaInDisguise: Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I'll try harder.
@Tom_Vom: It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.
@ch000ch: CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can't figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
@AddledPixie: I've trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they're just shitting everywhere.