@nonprophetess: Personal question. #JustSaying
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@truegritrumble: HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I'm never nervous. HER: You're sweating. ME: *just freaking out* That's bravery moisture.
@LuvPug: My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, 'you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can't see it? That.'
@drxubair: I'd love to change the world. But I don't think there is a diaper big enough to hold all the shit.
@jazmasta: [at Indian restaurant] "Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!" "Samosa?" "Oh no thanks, I'm full"