Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
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Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I have never heard an armadillo before.