In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF