i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
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Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
dude it’s called proctologist
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.