Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.