Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
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It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.