Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet