PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
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WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
These work great until they don’t.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.