PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
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Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.