Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
You Might Also Like
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it