[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
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The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.