[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
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It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
bout dat hot dog summer
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.