[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
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“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
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I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby