[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
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Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water