Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
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“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Grandmother clock.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
#DesignFail
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred