PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
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(True)
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I think they could have phrased this better
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My Plans 2020
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Did a trash talking tree write this?